July 19, 2014

A Few Things I've Learned Recently

Yes, pregnancy is amazing.  It is a true miracle.  Society portrays it to be a magical time in every woman's life.  It is, but like a bad tampon commercial you may find yourself thinking there might be more to this than people let on. It's true there are just a few things that no one warns you about ... a few things you will find out when you join the knocked up club.   I'm here to tell you a few..

1.  Pregnancy is not 9 months.  It is 10.. I do not know why anyone would lie about such a thing but it's true.  10 months sounds so much longer than 9 doesn't it?

2. For the first 12 weeks you will most likely feel like you have been hit by a bus ....repeatedly.  You will have zero energy to do anything.  You literally see the 2 pinks lines, hug your hubby and proceed to hibernate without a problem. Kiss insomnia goodbye because you will have zero problems sleeping and sleeping and sleeping for those first three months. 

3.  The heartburn is real.  You will pop tums like candy.  And that's ok.

4. You will lose control of bodily functions.  TMI? someone has got to tell you.  When you sneeze, you pee. When you walk or for no reason at all, you fart.  No control.  It's embarrassing but you get a pass, you are pregnant after all. 

5. People will say the dumbest things to you and everyone will have an opinion about how big or small you are. "Are you sure there is just one baby in there?" is my favorite.  Every woman and baby is different and where you are at is just fine!

6. People think it's okay to touch and rub your belly without asking. This is strange.  

7. You will have to learn to sleep on your side if you enjoy breathing and the benefits of blood circulating through your entire body. Invest in a body pillow. 

8. Your boobs may leak long before the baby is due (this was disturbing)  I was always under the impression that this came after the baby was born.  Mistaken yet again.

9. You may become a chainsaw like snorer due to inability to breathe and increased congestion ( I was convinced hubby was exaggerating until I actually woke myself up)

10. You may develop pubescent style acne (I thought that was over too)

11.  You will get winded very easily.  Your body is dealing with almost 2 and a half times as much blood as it is used to so that it can give the placenta and baby everything it needs.  Amazing how the body adapts, yes.  This also means your heart is working overtime to pump that blood which will leave you gasping after minimal exertion.  This may be why a friendly usher pointed me towards a handicap bathroom at a show last week after watching me pathetically try to climb the two flights the first time.

12.  I've been reading some childbirth books because knowledge is power right? Wrong, knowledge is FEAR! I learned that the epidural doesn't reach the cervix.. WAIT.. BACK UP.. What?! you mean the epidural doesn't numb EVERYTHING? This by far has been the most devastating realization of them all.  

The one comforting thing that all the books and professionals DO say is that you will go back to your old self, for the most part, once the baby is born. Your hormones are just joy riding for 10 months. And when all else fails, remember you are in good company.  Although it may feel like it, you are not the first woman to go through this. In fact, people in the olden days pre boppy body pillows, tums and epidurals had it much worse so count your lucky stars. It will all be ok. It will all be worth it and you will forget all about it once you hold that little miracle in your arms. 

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