January 20, 2010


I have often heard it said that when we die God will reveal to us the mysteries and meaning of life. That it is not something we are to understand as humans on earth. Thus, the whole faith thing. All I can say to that is the big guy better be ready for me because I have a lot of questions. A lot of "why?" questions.

The Neuro ICU is starting to get to me and I'm not sure how long I will be able to stay there. Brain death is evil and lately it's all I see. I refuse to become cold to it because that's not who I am. However, I have never felt so helpless as a nurse. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make them better, nothing to brighten their day..they simply aren't there. Last night it was a 42 year old woman whose brain death was the result of a ruptured aneurysm. She had given birth to her first child, a beautiful baby girl, four days before the rupture..why God? Please, make me understand.

My 3AM break came around and I knew I had to get off the floor. Only problem is there aren't many places to go at such an hour. I found myself in the meditation room on the main floor. It was eerily quiet. I had an hour to kill and didn't want to be alone with my thoughts so I picked up the bible, something I will confess I never do. I flipped to a random page and started reading. About three paragraphs in I read this:

"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven not built by human hands. For while we are in this tent, we groan to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling. It is God who has made us for this very purpose." -Corinthians II 5:1, 4-5

Call me crazy, but I feel like God spoke to me. I interpreted this passage, that I randomly turned to, to mean that He makes each of us for the sole purpose of spending eternity with Him and some make it to their earthly purpose sooner than others. In essence, nothing takes God by surprise because He knows the end from the beginning. Nothing is by chance, there is meaning, though we hurt and can't understand.

Maybe it was delirium from lack of sleep taking over, but I believe my "why?" was answered the best it could be at this point in time.

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